[ Eyes wide, Dean doesn't have the time to shore up his own emotions. And it's fear in his eyes when Cas grabs him. Hard not to feel that when you're being yanked around by a fully powered angel. One that he'd thought up to this point he was starting to understand.
He listens, even if it's uncomfortable with that ringing in his ears, frowns with the pain and then eventually winces when his ears start bleeding and it's minutes before he's able to hear anything but the echo of that other worldly noise. He remembers it. Of course he does. But that was then and this is now and he doesn't know what Cas is talking about, but he's got no reason not to believe him, even if this discomfort is at breaking point inside of him now.
Opening his mouth once, then again, to try and get the ringing out of his ears, eventually he pulls his hands away from his ears, blood smearing on his palms unnoticed. ]
You pulled Sam outta Hell? I uh... I didn't know that... because it doesn't happen in my world. You know what happens in my world, I told you. All the crap that Lucifer rains down on everybody and you know what? Sam was still in there the whole time.
[ Dean was going to kill Lucifer and will do again, because he's already been told that memories from this place don't travel home. So he knows that he'll try to kill Lucifer, Sam inside having to watch, and then Sam having to suffer through watching how Lucifer kills him. ]
He's in all our dreams, Cas. Not just Jack's. And there's nothing more that I want to do than gank that son of a bitch Lucifer and you know that. But you think Lucifer wouldn't use Jack the second he knows he's his kid? Explain it to me, man. Explain how me trying to keep Jack away from Lucifer, from Sam, from me is a bad idea.
[ He pauses, nostrils flaring and head shaking because he just plain doesn't understand how this tactic is the wrong one. ]
[ Dread takes hold the moment he catches sight of the blood smearing his hand and his eyes snap up to its source where red mars the tracks of his ears. ]
Dean, you're bleeding.
[ He strides forward worry dousing any lingering anger as he reaches forward to assess the damage. With his stabilization gem brimming with power underneath his coat, he attempts to heal him but a sputtering white light stalls and fails. ]
I didn't do a very good job of it.
[ He admits, remembering his failure as he retries his efforts a second time only to fail again. Still, he doesn't stop trying. ]
I know Dean. Jimmy was still with me until Raphael killed us both.
[ He's not unaware of what Sam might be going through. Knows too, what Jack is feeling. What he doesn't know is his brother's intention or how much of a hold he has on Sam. When they met, Sam was still himself, and just like his powers were failing him now, Lucifer's were similarly affected.
His third healing attempt ends before it starts growing his frustration. It's then, while his attention is completely taken up by the healing spell that his head snaps up pining Dean with a look that's two parts shock and one part fear. All?! Not just Jack but all of them?! How long was it happening? Why didn't anyone tell him before?! Why didn't... ]
Why didn't you tell me Lucifer was in your dreams?!
[ He asks, voice no longer tinged with anger but still filled with a knot of emotions he can't disentangle himself from. ]
Dean.
[ He finally stops his attempts, completely blindsided by this new information. Still, he stands his ground, unflinching in the face of Dean's growing turmoil. ]
I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to find out what you know.
Yeah. Except you're Cas and Sam's got Lucifer riding shotgun.
[ Which is a real reductive way to say that Cas is a whole other thing in comparison to Lucifer. He wouldn't believe for a single second that Cas would let Jimmy see any of the things he'd done in the line of duty, or whatever; not while he was steering. Lucifer on the other hand? Showed Sam everything that would hurt him the most.
The healing attempts - all of them - are somehow patiently waited out, but eventually he wipes his hands on the backs of his jeans because he just couldn't care less if he is bleeding. His heart is slowing from jackrabbit to something more normal, and though he can still feel the vestigial, lingering tendrils of adrenaline spiked with fear, he does his best to push on through it.
It's not the first time Cas has gotten pissed at him to the point of grabbing him, but it's the first time he didn't say anything trying to provoke that kind of response.
His gaze shifts and he's not looking at Cas anymore. It's a good question. Why didn't he tell Cas? He's heard from enough people here now to know that Lucifer? He's been having a freaking field day. His jaw tenses, loosens only so that he can lick his lips uncomfortably. ]
I thought I could handle it. I failed Sam, Cas. Real bad. I thought I could... I don't know, man.
[ Frowning seems like all he's been doing lately, but he hasn't had much reason to do much otherwise. ]
All those years I spent gearing up for a showdown with Lucifer. And I'm so far out of my freaking depth it's pathetic. I can't even get him outta Sam.
[ For a long moment, Dean doesn't respond, not even to the grip at his arm. This past month it feels a lot like Sodder has been going after the people he cares about, dragging them here from his world, from the alternate world. This thought that sticks in his mind that Lucifer's from his world, not Cas', starts to get more hypocritical than even he can handle.
Truth is, he arrived here almost six months ago and things hadn't been anywhere close to smooth with Cas. But honestly? It doesn't matter what world Cas is from, Dean still feels loyalty burn hot inside of him. Just like he feels protective over the Sam who's older than him. And, weirder, protectiveness over the younger version of himself fresh from Hell. Like he can tell Mini Me where he'd gone wrong, try give him the heads up not to make the same mistakes that he did.
Just because they're not from his world doesn't mean they're not part of what he considers his family.
Jack he doesn't have the measure of yet, and what he'd had to go on is the kid's family history. It's been almost impossible to separate those two things. But both Sams have asked him to cut the kid some slack, and that's been enough. He hadn't liked it, but he hasn't said a damn thing to the kid to upset him.
Knowing that Cas is here for Jack too? It's another voice he trusts added to a pile of reasons he shouldn't be so quick to leap straight to defensiveness in the face of everything. It's hard to work through, harder still to make himself do these things, but he does anyway. He's stubborn, an asshole, but if he's remembered anything over the last few months it's that family is all he's got. His purpose is all about family. ]
Yeah.
[ A single word, less sure than he usually sounds. Tiredness feels like it seeps deeper still, and eventually he looks up. ]
[ Faith and loyalty mean everything to him. When there was no escape and death his only option, it was these ideals that stayed with him in his last stand against an insurmountable foe. It wasn't trust or hope but a leap of faith that instigated his fall. He turned his back on Heaven, the angels, and everything he ever believed in with nothing but his faith to clutch onto. So, when different iterations of the same man passed him by. Or when this Dean came at him angry and ready to fight. When he drew a line in the sand between them, his faith remained firm. It wasn't trust or some misguided hope that they'd ever be more than comrades. Faith was the bond that linked him to Dean and loyalty was the only logical outcome.
Castiel had faith in Dean. He had faith in Sam, and now, Jack too. That spark that started with Dean had grown. The feeling he doesn't know how to describe other than loyalty spread beyond its initial source. The same driving force to protect Sam and Jack blurred the line between friend and foe drawing out what should have stayed hidden. It wasn't his intention to hurt him and it was only catching the turmoil stirring within the soul that curbed the spark of anger and buried the angel back in its vessel. Regaining control was never easy but catching the look of defeat on Dean's face hastens his retreat back into the abyss allowing for logic to take over. ]
Tell me what happened.
[ He tells him, letting go of his arm. He doesn't want to hurt him. Not again. ]
[ Where to freaking start. What happened is that the brother he hasn't seen for five years got pulled here and he's got that same old feeling of failing him over and over. The fact that Lucifer's here too inside of him? Yeah, of course that would be how it is.
Glancing around their periphery is something that's so deeply-ingrained in him it's like habit now. He knows that fully powered, Cas can take care of anything likely to sneak up on them, but it doesn't settle that feeling of constantly feeling hunted. ]
When he first got here and told me... I put him in a circle of holy fire in the basement. It didn't hold him, man. This town? Holy fire or not, it can spring Lucifer from inside of those like it's nothin'.
[ And that's only the tip of the doom-shaped iceberg. ]
Sam's got a pretty good hold on him most of the time. Says Lucifer doesn't know yet that Jack's his kid. And Lucifer? He's been dreamwalking like it's no big thing. If he's doing that to us? I'd put money on the fact he can do that to Jack.
[ All of it is so messed up that it gives Dean a tension headache every time he thinks about it, and tries to work out what he can do about that. ]
You know what Lucifer's like. I know what Lucifer's like. He told Sam a bunch of crap that he bought into. You think Jack's gonna know the difference between what's true and what's Lucifer spinning his shit like a goddamn handmaiden?
[ Lifting a hand, he uses a finger and thumb to massage lightly at his temples. And if it covers his expression for a couple of seconds? That works too. ]
The second Lucifer finds out that Jack's his kid - and Sam says it's when, not if - we're all screwed.
[ Hand dropping away from his face again, he subconsciously returns it to rest on top of the gun he's got holstered at his side. ]
How powerful is Jack? If Lucifer gets to him, lies to him about how things really are, what the hell do we do? Keeping Jack away from the house, away from Sam and me, I don't know what else to do, Cas. Why would I invite him to come inside a goddamn snake pit with the biggest snake of all inside of Sam?
[ Holy fire doesn't work on him? The thought sends a chill down his spine. If they couldn't use holy fire then they had no means of trapping him if they needed to. Now, he understands Dean's churning turmoil. How long had he known? Did the others know? Either way, they needed to. He'd check in with them and tell them. ]
How is Sam doing? [ He asks, keeping up with Dean's explanation. ] A human mind isn't enough to keep out angels once they've granted us permission. I had Jimmy under when I took over. Even if he tried to fight me, I could easily overwhelm him. [ A disturbing thought, but one that remained true nonetheless. ] Sam is stronger, but so is Lucifer. He far surpasses me in every way. Whatever Sam is doing to keep him at bay, I doubt he can sustain it for long.
Dean. [ He locks eyes with him. ] Sam won't be able to hold him back for much longer.
[ Not exactly good news, but it was his best assessment of the situation as it stood and he wouldn't keep Dean in the dark about it. He must know by now, probably did know, even if he hadn't fully admitted it to himself. Eventually, Sam's will would break to Lucifer and they had to be ready for the fallout. ]
I'm afraid he's already paid a visit to Jack.[ He adds. It's the reason he's here in the first place, but it wasn't until this moment that he realized Dean had been kept in the dark too. ] Lucifer spoke to him in his dreams. Jack told me a similar story. They both seem to be holding up the same lie. Right now, Lucifer thinks Sam's Jack's father. But sooner or later the truth will come out.
I'm going to speak to Lucifer before that happens.
[ Before it all came to a crash, leaving Sam and Jack to deal with the aftermath. He intended to get ahead of it. Whatever fallout waited for them down the line, Castiel would make sure he stood in front of it all. He already had a plan. ]
I know what my brother's like, but I also know Jack. [ He holds Dean's gaze with a look that bespoke of his own unease. ] He was here before you. He showed me things about the future. I didn't know how to handle it then, but I'm not going to let him down this time. Him or Sam.
[ With his eyes locked on Dean, watching him closely, he can see the tightness around his eyes begin to spread. The turmoil starts to coil inside him once more as he keeps on talking, working himself up, thoughts running faster than he could say them aloud. ]
Dean. [ He finally cuts in. ] You keep thinking about this in isolated terms. Sam isn't on his own and neither is Jack. You can keep them separated but you don't need to drive them away. Driving others away is what led me down a path I wish I never took. I'm not going to watch the same thing happen to them. Not if I can stop it.
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He listens, even if it's uncomfortable with that ringing in his ears, frowns with the pain and then eventually winces when his ears start bleeding and it's minutes before he's able to hear anything but the echo of that other worldly noise. He remembers it. Of course he does. But that was then and this is now and he doesn't know what Cas is talking about, but he's got no reason not to believe him, even if this discomfort is at breaking point inside of him now.
Opening his mouth once, then again, to try and get the ringing out of his ears, eventually he pulls his hands away from his ears, blood smearing on his palms unnoticed. ]
You pulled Sam outta Hell? I uh... I didn't know that... because it doesn't happen in my world. You know what happens in my world, I told you. All the crap that Lucifer rains down on everybody and you know what? Sam was still in there the whole time.
[ Dean was going to kill Lucifer and will do again, because he's already been told that memories from this place don't travel home. So he knows that he'll try to kill Lucifer, Sam inside having to watch, and then Sam having to suffer through watching how Lucifer kills him. ]
He's in all our dreams, Cas. Not just Jack's. And there's nothing more that I want to do than gank that son of a bitch Lucifer and you know that. But you think Lucifer wouldn't use Jack the second he knows he's his kid? Explain it to me, man. Explain how me trying to keep Jack away from Lucifer, from Sam, from me is a bad idea.
[ He pauses, nostrils flaring and head shaking because he just plain doesn't understand how this tactic is the wrong one. ]
I am begging you to explain it to me. To help me.
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Dean, you're bleeding.
[ He strides forward worry dousing any lingering anger as he reaches forward to assess the damage. With his stabilization gem brimming with power underneath his coat, he attempts to heal him but a sputtering white light stalls and fails. ]
I didn't do a very good job of it.
[ He admits, remembering his failure as he retries his efforts a second time only to fail again. Still, he doesn't stop trying. ]
I know Dean. Jimmy was still with me until Raphael killed us both.
[ He's not unaware of what Sam might be going through. Knows too, what Jack is feeling. What he doesn't know is his brother's intention or how much of a hold he has on Sam. When they met, Sam was still himself, and just like his powers were failing him now, Lucifer's were similarly affected.
His third healing attempt ends before it starts growing his frustration. It's then, while his attention is completely taken up by the healing spell that his head snaps up pining Dean with a look that's two parts shock and one part fear. All?! Not just Jack but all of them?! How long was it happening? Why didn't anyone tell him before?! Why didn't... ]
Why didn't you tell me Lucifer was in your dreams?!
[ He asks, voice no longer tinged with anger but still filled with a knot of emotions he can't disentangle himself from. ]
Dean.
[ He finally stops his attempts, completely blindsided by this new information. Still, he stands his ground, unflinching in the face of Dean's growing turmoil. ]
I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to find out what you know.
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[ Which is a real reductive way to say that Cas is a whole other thing in comparison to Lucifer. He wouldn't believe for a single second that Cas would let Jimmy see any of the things he'd done in the line of duty, or whatever; not while he was steering. Lucifer on the other hand? Showed Sam everything that would hurt him the most.
The healing attempts - all of them - are somehow patiently waited out, but eventually he wipes his hands on the backs of his jeans because he just couldn't care less if he is bleeding. His heart is slowing from jackrabbit to something more normal, and though he can still feel the vestigial, lingering tendrils of adrenaline spiked with fear, he does his best to push on through it.
It's not the first time Cas has gotten pissed at him to the point of grabbing him, but it's the first time he didn't say anything trying to provoke that kind of response.
His gaze shifts and he's not looking at Cas anymore. It's a good question. Why didn't he tell Cas? He's heard from enough people here now to know that Lucifer? He's been having a freaking field day. His jaw tenses, loosens only so that he can lick his lips uncomfortably. ]
I thought I could handle it. I failed Sam, Cas. Real bad. I thought I could... I don't know, man.
[ Frowning seems like all he's been doing lately, but he hasn't had much reason to do much otherwise. ]
All those years I spent gearing up for a showdown with Lucifer. And I'm so far out of my freaking depth it's pathetic. I can't even get him outta Sam.
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[ He grips his arm, locking eyes with him firm in this resolution. ]
Not alone. Do you understand?
That's why I'm here. For Jack. Sam. You. Everyone. I'm not going to let him do as he pleases.
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Truth is, he arrived here almost six months ago and things hadn't been anywhere close to smooth with Cas. But honestly? It doesn't matter what world Cas is from, Dean still feels loyalty burn hot inside of him. Just like he feels protective over the Sam who's older than him. And, weirder, protectiveness over the younger version of himself fresh from Hell. Like he can tell Mini Me where he'd gone wrong, try give him the heads up not to make the same mistakes that he did.
Just because they're not from his world doesn't mean they're not part of what he considers his family.
Jack he doesn't have the measure of yet, and what he'd had to go on is the kid's family history. It's been almost impossible to separate those two things. But both Sams have asked him to cut the kid some slack, and that's been enough. He hadn't liked it, but he hasn't said a damn thing to the kid to upset him.
Knowing that Cas is here for Jack too? It's another voice he trusts added to a pile of reasons he shouldn't be so quick to leap straight to defensiveness in the face of everything. It's hard to work through, harder still to make himself do these things, but he does anyway. He's stubborn, an asshole, but if he's remembered anything over the last few months it's that family is all he's got. His purpose is all about family. ]
Yeah.
[ A single word, less sure than he usually sounds. Tiredness feels like it seeps deeper still, and eventually he looks up. ]
I understand.
no subject
Castiel had faith in Dean. He had faith in Sam, and now, Jack too. That spark that started with Dean had grown. The feeling he doesn't know how to describe other than loyalty spread beyond its initial source. The same driving force to protect Sam and Jack blurred the line between friend and foe drawing out what should have stayed hidden. It wasn't his intention to hurt him and it was only catching the turmoil stirring within the soul that curbed the spark of anger and buried the angel back in its vessel. Regaining control was never easy but catching the look of defeat on Dean's face hastens his retreat back into the abyss allowing for logic to take over. ]
Tell me what happened.
[ He tells him, letting go of his arm. He doesn't want to hurt him. Not again. ]
no subject
Glancing around their periphery is something that's so deeply-ingrained in him it's like habit now. He knows that fully powered, Cas can take care of anything likely to sneak up on them, but it doesn't settle that feeling of constantly feeling hunted. ]
When he first got here and told me... I put him in a circle of holy fire in the basement. It didn't hold him, man. This town? Holy fire or not, it can spring Lucifer from inside of those like it's nothin'.
[ And that's only the tip of the doom-shaped iceberg. ]
Sam's got a pretty good hold on him most of the time. Says Lucifer doesn't know yet that Jack's his kid. And Lucifer? He's been dreamwalking like it's no big thing. If he's doing that to us? I'd put money on the fact he can do that to Jack.
[ All of it is so messed up that it gives Dean a tension headache every time he thinks about it, and tries to work out what he can do about that. ]
You know what Lucifer's like. I know what Lucifer's like. He told Sam a bunch of crap that he bought into. You think Jack's gonna know the difference between what's true and what's Lucifer spinning his shit like a goddamn handmaiden?
[ Lifting a hand, he uses a finger and thumb to massage lightly at his temples. And if it covers his expression for a couple of seconds? That works too. ]
The second Lucifer finds out that Jack's his kid - and Sam says it's when, not if - we're all screwed.
[ Hand dropping away from his face again, he subconsciously returns it to rest on top of the gun he's got holstered at his side. ]
How powerful is Jack? If Lucifer gets to him, lies to him about how things really are, what the hell do we do? Keeping Jack away from the house, away from Sam and me, I don't know what else to do, Cas. Why would I invite him to come inside a goddamn snake pit with the biggest snake of all inside of Sam?
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How is Sam doing? [ He asks, keeping up with Dean's explanation. ] A human mind isn't enough to keep out angels once they've granted us permission. I had Jimmy under when I took over. Even if he tried to fight me, I could easily overwhelm him. [ A disturbing thought, but one that remained true nonetheless. ] Sam is stronger, but so is Lucifer. He far surpasses me in every way. Whatever Sam is doing to keep him at bay, I doubt he can sustain it for long.
Dean. [ He locks eyes with him. ] Sam won't be able to hold him back for much longer.
[ Not exactly good news, but it was his best assessment of the situation as it stood and he wouldn't keep Dean in the dark about it. He must know by now, probably did know, even if he hadn't fully admitted it to himself. Eventually, Sam's will would break to Lucifer and they had to be ready for the fallout. ]
I'm afraid he's already paid a visit to Jack.[ He adds. It's the reason he's here in the first place, but it wasn't until this moment that he realized Dean had been kept in the dark too. ] Lucifer spoke to him in his dreams. Jack told me a similar story. They both seem to be holding up the same lie. Right now, Lucifer thinks Sam's Jack's father. But sooner or later the truth will come out.
I'm going to speak to Lucifer before that happens.
[ Before it all came to a crash, leaving Sam and Jack to deal with the aftermath. He intended to get ahead of it. Whatever fallout waited for them down the line, Castiel would make sure he stood in front of it all. He already had a plan. ]
I know what my brother's like, but I also know Jack. [ He holds Dean's gaze with a look that bespoke of his own unease. ] He was here before you. He showed me things about the future. I didn't know how to handle it then, but I'm not going to let him down this time. Him or Sam.
[ With his eyes locked on Dean, watching him closely, he can see the tightness around his eyes begin to spread. The turmoil starts to coil inside him once more as he keeps on talking, working himself up, thoughts running faster than he could say them aloud. ]
Dean. [ He finally cuts in. ] You keep thinking about this in isolated terms. Sam isn't on his own and neither is Jack. You can keep them separated but you don't need to drive them away. Driving others away is what led me down a path I wish I never took. I'm not going to watch the same thing happen to them. Not if I can stop it.